I CAN MOONWALK!
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
