saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize