i permit you to call me
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
