So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
