3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize