I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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