We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
That's how pantless uber rides happen
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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