we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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