i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
