remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize