This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
