oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
