So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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