how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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