the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
God, I missed his penis.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
