im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
