I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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