My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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