just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
