party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
