I would go down on you faster than GM stock
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
