I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I checked into jail on foursquare
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
