im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
