If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
