listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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