I think my fart just growled at me.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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