dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
