So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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