I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
