So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
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