I CAN MOONWALK!
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
