I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
