ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
