i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
