I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Randomize
