there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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