I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Randomize
