OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
