My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
