i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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