he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
