That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
