bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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