Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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