Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize