he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
