my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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