Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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