ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
