I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
