dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
