Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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