Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
