I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
