I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
